Letting Go of Normal...
Covid19 Pandemic - Post III
As always, I hope this finds you and your loved ones safe and well.
Here we are, just a little past the three week mark since the Covid19 global pandemic was declared.
In Canada, many leaders are suggesting we may be in variations of 'social distancing' until at least July, with further unpredictability stretching beyond that.
I don't know about you but, to me, the 'old normal' feels so utterly far away.
Heck, only 22 or so days ago getting groceries was one of the most mundane things many of us did - and now it's a strategically considered and risky excursion or out of our financial reach or someone else needs to do it for us - and that's just the tip of the iceberg of the changes we're navigating!
From talking to clients, loved ones and community members, it's fascinating to realize all the different ways our 'normal' realities have shifted:
I've heard from people who don't know when they're going to next see their long-distance partner in person again; from some feeling lonely while others are over-marinated in their households and struggling to get a gulp of solitude; from people who are working as hard as they've ever worked in their damn lives (health care providers preparing for or already on an unprecedented frontline; educators wrangling virtual technologies to serve their students, etc...) while others just lost their jobs or find their employment crowded out by the realities of parenting young kids at home full time.
I mean, wow: most of us have had our lives turned upside down to some degree or another, albeit in unique ways.
Normal feels significantly shaken or gone.
So, I've been thinking a lot lately about the power of radical change to disrupt what we have previously taken for granted as 'normal.'
Do you resonate with this? Do you also find yourself at moments:
Wondering when we can get back to 'normal'?
Feeling grief, stress, or vulnerability about the loss of 'normal'?
Suddenly appreciating your 'old normal' as extraordinary (a high five, sitting in a cafe, taking your kid to swimming lessons, etc...)?
Finding it the oddest sensation to observe the 'normal' and anticipated events, dates, or goals you had scheduled slip by, now a parallel 'un-lived reality' that glides alongside your actual reality?
Psychologically bracing against further threat to your 'normal' in the coming months?
As a coach, I'm especially curious about how we can grow through examining our reactions to loss, disruption, and change - and how we can pay loving attention to our experience as we let go of 'normal.'
So much of my work is about helping people build resilience and courage to release their old versions of 'normal' and to dare to grow into new realities - and develop more powerful, creative, trusting versions of themselves in the process.
What strikes me in this particular collective moment is that I can see in myself and others a kind of knee-jerk reaction to want to reestablish our 'normal.'
But maybe that 'old normal' is actually gone for good.
More radically: maybe that's ok - even positive in its potential.
Here's my thinking:
For most countries in the world, I don't think we'll be back to 'normal' any time soon. My understanding is that this pandemic is likely to be a primary, shaping force for humanity as a whole for a minimum of a few months and possibly well beyond a year, many folks with expertise estimating 12-24 months as a ball park. (That doesn’t mean social isolation for all that period, by any means - but Covid19 is not likely disappearing, on a global scale - any time too soon).
I also believe that this will be a profound transformative experience that will leave us collectively and individually touched, moved, changed forever - thus, we cannot simply resume the 'old normal' but will rather live our way into an emergent 'new normal.'
Now, when the conditions of our lives change so abruptly, so rapidly - especially without our own sense of choice, desire, or agency and with the introduction of a unique and genuine threat - I think it's absolutely human and instinctive that we feel destabilized.
No wonder! In this recent experience, almost all of us have lost the familiar, grounding perception of predictability about our world - and while that perception may be illusory, it's soothing and typically enables us to live our lives with agency and functionality.
Wanting to cling to some semblance of normalcy makes complete sense to me as a coping strategy - I think it's part of our evolutionary survival hardwiring.
However, I think we can choose to soften around or even embrace 'letting go of normal' - and benefit from doing so. Let me get into it and explain my thinking.
Change Always Starts with Death/Endings:
One of my favourite mentors and teachers in the world is Martha Beck (the coach and writer who inspired me to become a coach in the first place!) - and one of her frameworks that I've loved, shared, and referenced with so many clients is called, "The Map of Change."
One key premise of this map is that transformation always begins with the dissolution of the old. Martha calls this stage 'Square One' and it's characterized by, "Death and Rebirth."
[William Bridges also covers this concept in his classic book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes - Strategies for Coping with the Difficult, Painful, and Confusing Times in Your Life, honoring that change begins with i) death and endings, ii) is predictably followed by a liminal, 'in-between' state to then, iii) ultimately emerge new beginnings].
Now, Martha often educates about these predictable cycles of change by drawing on the metaphor that a caterpillar can only become a butterfly through first becoming absolute mush in the cocoon.
Talk about 'Square One' being a disorienting phase of change!
Right now, just like a caterpillar literally disintegrates and the old form 'dies,' many of our familiar structures, identities, habits of being and doing - individually and societally - are literally collapsing, dissolving, and ceasing to exist.
Perhaps it will just be temporary and then we will immediately attempt to rebuild and reconstruct everything 'just as it was"...
But I'm sensing that this pandemic offers a collective opportunity for growth - as profoundly uncomfortable, painful and devastating as it is - and that, if we lurch and simply attempt to clutch at re-creating the 'old normal,' we will miss that opportunity to evolve.
When I'm not in my own moments of fear, grief, or various flavours of disorientation or suffering, I am occasionally able to glimpse and tap into a deeper wisdom: this perception that humanity can embrace an experience of collective 'waking up' and positive transformation through this shock and crisis.
(If you've followed my blogs for a little while, you also know that I believe we desperately need collective transformation - that our dominant economic and social systems have been hurting people, fuelling inequity and injustice, and destroying life-sustaining ecosystems. Whether this pandemic will act as a catalyst for good, in the end, we don't know, but I do perceive that we need radical transformation for a livable future - and often, historic periods of disruption and upheaval shake things up and birth positive new directions.)
Now, a few days before the World Health Organization officially declared a global pandemic, I had drawn a card from The Wild Unknown Archetypes Deck and Guidebook, by Kim Krans.
I had originally interpreted that it was a card with meaning for my personal life, but now it strikes me as remarkable and certainly relevant to the ride we're on together as a whole.
Here's the card:
Accompanying text: The Door, The Gate, The Initiation
Crossing a threshold may not always be voluntary. Sometimes we are thrown across the boundary through circumstances far beyond our control. Either way, we cannot go back.
We cross thresholds continuously - consciously and unconsciously. Doorways, gates, and entryways grace our path on a daily basis. When this card arises, it signifies that the precipice you stand upon is not your typical one, however. You have arrived at a threshold of initiation, here to usher you into a new reality. It requires you to leave behind the 'you' that you thought was so well formed. A new frontier calls. This is not easy work. Threshold initiation means that a part of you will be lost in order to make space for what is next. A metaphorical death must occur. Some may not recognize you. You may struggle to recognize yourself. The ground seems to crumble as you freefall into your new reality. This is the liminal realm. One step, dear friend - just take that one necessary step toward the future that calls you.
Now, in articulating the idea that the Covid19 pandemic offers humanity a vehicle for personal and collective transformation - a "Square One" in a journey of change - I'm not trying to sugarcoat, minimize, or deny the suffering and trauma that is already happening or that lies ahead, at all.
I feel a clear-eyed, sober distress and very much attuned to the realities of illness, death, and financial and social hardships that are occurring and will unfold ahead - and also well aware that this pandemic will impact different countries and groups with an uneven hand, most devastating those already coping with marginalization, oppression, and material poverty.
However, I also want to share my perception that this crisis offers a profound opportunity for us: that there can and will be gifts as we let go of the old 'normal' - on personal, familial, societal, and global levels.
So, do you notice resistance in yourself to our current circumstances?
Are you willing to soften and open to life just as it right now a little more?
Could you loosen your attachment to 'what you planned or expected for 2020' and consciously allow yourself to experience a bit more of the dizzying 'free fall' into this new reality, like The Threshold card invites?
Let's explore further....
What it Takes to Let Go of Normal:
I think a crucial part of our ability to let go of an 'old normal' and open to a new reality is connected to our ability to witness, hold, and care for the parts of us that are understandably frightened, sad or disoriented about all the uncertainty, threat, and change that we face.
So, to be clear, I'm not inviting you to feel anything you don't, to put on Pollyanna glasses, nor to repress your fears, resistance, anger, or grief (we've already lost so much, let alone the losses that are to come).
In fact, growing into a more expansive version of yourself as you surrender to a new, emergent reality usually requires you to more fully allow and hold your feelings when they flow through you, not less.
On that note, if you're feeling tender, overwhelmed, or stressed right now, I am sending an extra huge hug and care (if you want them!).
It's so ok and natural to have those moments of struggling or emotional pain - they are an attuned response to the conditions we're in.
As Martha says with her Square One "Death and Rebirth" and caterpillar metaphor, what is MOST needed in this phase of change is holding and safety, just as the cocoon is needed to contain that 'soup of disintegrated caterpillar.'
It's intense when the old is collapsing and death and loss are happening.
So, please, once more, I don't want you to attempt to bypass your pain, fear or grief: those feelings are a natural part of releasing our grip on 'normal.'
(For a beautiful conversation about grief - that even mentions this notion of grieving 'normal' in these pandemic times - check out this podcast from Brene Brown, interviewing David Kessler on "Grief and Finding Meaning").
But What If We Want to Hold Onto "Normal?"
The alternative to opening more fully to new possibilities seems to me that we attempt to push on with our own agenda, to cling to the familiar or the fantasy of the resumption of the 'old normal' and, in doing so, kind of 'armour ourselves up.' But in taking that stance, we also risk missing out on giving our attention to:
the beauty of life now - just as it is, yes, right in the chaos of it
opportunities to learn, evolve, contribute, connect, and transform
How about for you? For example -
If you rush to maintain or resume your 'normal' busy, productive, highly social habits of living, you may miss a chance to learn about slowing down, rest, solitude, presence, or connecting with yourself more deeply.
If you focus only on getting back to normal, frustrated by what you can't do right now, you may not see the opportunities to put your energies towards something you can do - maybe even something amazing that you might not otherwise have discovered.
If you keep grasping to reconstruct your familiar life - like a caterpillar trying (probably with futility) to get out of the cocoon and avoid that terrifying state of dissolution - you might miss the invitation to transform into a whole new being, your own version of an incredible butterfly.
Who knows how you could grow through this experience, if you surrender to it as open-heartedly and consciously as possible?
Who knows the potential for us as a whole, interdependent world?
I know that transformation is uncomfortable and scary
And this is a fucking global pandemic: it's no joke whatsoever.
People are losing and fighting for their livelihoods and their lives - the stakes are remarkably high. Some countries and regions feels like they're getting slammed - or are poised to be - in ways that are unfathomable, unfair or unnecessary, and heartbreaking.
And yet the transition to new ways of doing, being, and thinking are typically uncomfortable, often downright terrifying - and often part of how all things grow and transform:
For an oyster, it takes the gritty irritation of sand to create a pearl.
I don't know about plant consciousness, but I'm sure a seed might feel bewildered as roots break out of the old shell to start creating a whole new form of expression.
Our own births - departing a dark, watery womb to emerge into a bright new world as our lungs expand to take a first breath - I mean, not easy!
So often, we'll stick with our familiar status quo rather than risk change.
Even at an individual level, it often takes radical disruption to give us pause, to help us reevaluate our lives, to learn new lessons, to author fresh and liberating narratives for ourselves, to stretch out of our comfort zones.
In a time of a collective Great Pause or Great Disruption, I think we can similarly be shaken out of complacency, unhealthy patterns and invited to grow.
I've written about the art of pivoting in our lives before and that might be a timely blog post for some of you - it's NOT EASY to be agile and respond skilfully to radical change.
Embracing Reality & the Emergent Future:
In the book Four Elements: Reflections on Nature, Celtic priest John O'Donohue writes, "as the layers of given answers are peeled back, the heart becomes filled with the wild desire for the question."
To me, this articulation beautifully affirms our human ability to not only let go of the normal (the given answers) but to embrace and even welcome the unknown, the emerging new reality (the question).
It seems to me that this is Spiritual Warrior work - and I have faith that humanity can do it.
So, what questions are you sitting with right now?
Even if they are scary?
Even if they break your heart?
Even if you see how they stir up old traumatized parts of yourself?
Whether they seem particularly big or maybe strangely mundane and small?
What if, through embracing the questions and surrendering our 'normal' more fully, we can grow into a deeper trust that we are and will be ok - not protected from illness, not from death, nor the risk of losing our loved ones or financial strife - but in some greater, deeper more fundamental way?
Please pause for a moment and try something:
feel your feet on the ground or on the surface on which they rest
place your hand or hands on your heart
take a deep breath (and savour the gift of easy breathing, if you have it)
feel your rib cage or belly gently expand
invite a soft opening to reality as it is
Take a few moments consciously breathing and being present with yourself in this way... and see if you can nurture a subtle and greater depth of awareness and connection with yourself, savouring your precious existence and Life.
What if there is greater trust and freedom available to you - right in this very moment - and increasingly yours to embody and radiate, as you release your grip on your 'old normal?'
Finally - On Trusting Life:
In his book, Daring to Trust, therapist and author David Richo beautifully speaks to our ability to trust: 1) ourselves, 2) others, 3) Reality, and 4) in a Higher Power.
At this historic moment, I'm fascinated by the concept of our ability to trust reality and life as it is - even and especially when reality is profoundly disorienting and legitimately threatening, on many levels.
Here's what Richo says about "Trusting Reality:"
"Trusting reality is confidence that whatever happens to us beyond our control is precisely what can provide the occasion for us to grow in our own unique way. This does not mean that we resign ourselves to injustice or become doormats, only that we align ourselves to what cannot be changed and look enthusiastically for its teaching. We trust reality when we believe that the universe is helping us evolve. Then circumstances and predicaments are not roadblocks but vehicles to our becoming people of character, depth, and compassion. Our accepting them without reserve is how we show our trust in reality as it is. Then we are ready to change what can be changed and know the difference too."
One way you could test these ideas out for yourself is to carve out 15-30 minutes and write yourself a letter from your own Inner Wisdom.
Here are a few tips (especially if you're never tried anything like this before or it sounds too damn woo or inadequate for the times):
Start by addressing yourself with love and care however you like
Name and articulate the thoughts and feelings arising in you about reality right now, whatever they are: fear, disappointment, discomfort, sadness, heaviness, curiosity, openness, anxiety, grief, uncertainty, loneliness, purpose, etc... (knowing that your feelings will keep shifting)
Open to and experiment with accepting this new reality - whatever it is:
For example: "I say Yes to this pandemic's existence. I say Yes to being alone in my apartment, Yes to confusion, Yes to not seeing my friends in-person for an indeterminate time, Yes to my animal vulnerability, Yes to uncertainty," etc...
The more of a stretch it is (e.g. "Yes to losing my job, Yes to the risk of my loved ones dying...), the more we must expand to say Yes instead of No to what we most fear or don't want - and the more we can grow into our own spiritual power. (If you've never done an exercise like this, it may sound ludicrous, inane or maybe even beyond your capacity, but please try it before you judge or criticize it. Again, it's not about passivity, despair, morally accepting injustice, or emotional bypassing - engaged deeply, it's the opposite of all of that).
I've practiced this kind of radical acceptance through writing during some of the most painful crucibles of my life and guided my clients in some of their own devastating or heartbreaking moments. What I've discovered is that the ability to accept reality as it is (and I don't mean we have to like or want it!) can make all the difference to our ability to respond to life in expansive, powerful, and creative ways.
Finally, ask your inner wisdom what you can learn in these circumstances or what gifts may be available to you or us collectively.
Wrapping This Up:
So, I send you huge blessings as we all let go of normal and say goodbye to the world we knew and shared together.
We can grieve and we can surrender, soften, and open.
Paradox enables us to embrace both/and and not get stuck in either/or.
So, it seems to me that this pandemic can be frightening, traumatizing, illumine inequities and disparities, full of grief AND it can bless us with significant opportunities for growth and transformation.
How do these ideas land or resonate with you?
What's helping you find meaning or cope at this time?
If you try my writing exercise, is there any feedback you want to share?
I'd love to hear from you in the comments below.
With huge care and wishes for your wellbeing.
P.S. Could you do me a favour? If you know anyone who you think might appreciate articles like these as a source of support, will you forward them this post? I aspire to help people centre in their wisdom, strength, and communities. Thanks! XO, N
Nicola Holmes is a Life Coach who helps people turn their potent questions, dream and longings into inspired action. With warmth and wisdom, she’ll guide you to untangle constraints and cultivate courage to create a more aligned and joyful life. She has a BASc in Human Development, an MEd in Adult Learning and spent two decades working in the non-profit sector. Along with coaching for the past 14 years, she’s mama to two young spirited kids and dedicated to Buddhism. Having experienced long Covid and a move over the past two years, she brings deep empathy to others who are exploring how they’ve changed and who they’re becoming in turbulent times. Check out Nicola @nicolaholmescoach or join the email party for inspiration and resources to fuel the changes you want.