Emergence from a Difficult Season
Are you coming out of a difficult life chapter?
Do you feel tender or bruised right now?
Has your life tumbled apart and you’re sorting out how to reassemble all the scattered puzzle pieces - possibly saturated with grief and bewilderment at the impossible process?
Is it as though an old version of yourself is gone and you’re trying to figure out who you are now?
I get it.
Over the past two years I experienced long-Covid amidst the pandemic, had the kids at home full-time for 18 isolated months and moved. It was a profoundly discombobulating and disorienting life chapter for me, perhaps the greatest of my life - especially as my mortality felt shaken at the exact moment I was yearning to live forever for the sake of my young children.
Thankfully, I continue to recover from long-Covid and I’ve adapted to a new health baseline. We’re fairly settled in our new home.
Life feels more stable than it did for a good stretch and I’m now in a process of emergence.
Do you relate?
I know that all of our individual lives have been rocked to various degrees by recent collective shocks: the pandemic, racial reckoning, the war in Ukraine and its geopolitical tremors - and more.
The rest of life hasn’t stopped during the past two years, either: marriage fault lines gave way, children launched into adulthood, careers evolved and ended, doctors uttered their terrible and wonderful words, and peoples’ hearts broken in a million ways.
All the ordinary breathtaking and wrenching things plowed on through the pandemic - and also, climate scientists keep informing us that we’re ever closer to irreversible existential precarity.
It’s been a lot. It IS STILL a lot.
We’ve all been changed by the last two historic years, writ large.
Historians and futurists predict that yet more rapid and complex flux lies ahead.
We’ll also go through endless personal disruptive experiences through our lifetimes.
Can we learn to more get more comfortable and skillful with the dance of change itself?
I wanted to write this blog as a love letter - to all of us alive and paying any kind of attention to our world right now - and especially to those of you who are emerging from a difficult personal chapter.
You may feel like you’ve come through a tsunami and have been spit up on the shore, simultaneously relieved, banged up, fragile, trying to get your bearings while also trying to get sand out of your eyes and places you never wanted such grit.
It’s amazing to be on the other side of that massive wave - but it’s probably not entirely comfortable, either. It can take a while to chart your course again.
I hope this helps.
“Japanese Waves” - Pixabay
Orientation
Let’s start with a bit of mapping:
Ascent Seasons:
There are ascent seasons of our lives when we may be privileged to climb up mountains on adventures of desired and intentional growth: maybe starting career paths or projects, embarking on new relationships or working hard to achieve meaningful goals. Through the process of creating new realities, we often expand ourselves and what we believe we’re capable or worthy of.
Ascent journeys are often external, tangible, exhilarating (if stretchy and scary), and are typically recognized and valued by a dominant culture that reveres individualism, agency and achievement. We have rites of passage like weddings, graduations, launches, and birth rituals to honor ascent.
Descent Seasons:
Then there are the seasons where losses and endings pierce our lives, when we find ourselves no longer on a comfortable plateau, most certainly not climbing a peak, but rather tipped into descent, wheeling through darkness to find ourselves traversing a labyrinth cave or swimming in deep waters. The familiar ground and the world bathed in light are no longer.
Such a season may be initiated by a divorce, a death, a diagnosis or betrayal - and one catalytic loss may well domino into other areas of life to create chaotic and destabilizing ripple effects.
Descent seasons are typically disorienting and painful.
They can be understood as transformative rites of passage that invite us into interiority and our souls into growth. However, modern-industrialized societies have very little literacy in and support for these seasons characterized by vulnerability, uncertainty, and not-knowing.
Without easy access to communities and rituals that support us as we bravely find our way through descent seasons, many of us now may feel isolated and alone at such times - even stigmatized and judged. While we do have funerals and death rituals in modern societies, they tend to not provide nuanced, sustained support for grief and we have very few - if any - formal rituals to support us through many losses that are not adequately recognized or honored (e.g. infertility, relationship, health or ability changes, etc…).
Patriarchal / colonial / white-supremacist / capitalist cultures tend to recognize and value ascent journeys while dismissing, negating or even holding contempt for descent journeys.
Navigating the worst of long-Covid through 2020 and 2021 - especially as the condition was novel, baffling and little-understood at the time - at times, it felt like illness had thrust me utterly out of normalcy. Waves of discomfort would send me to bed, simple daily activities could suddenly feel out of reach, and for many months, I slowly laid down one professional aspiration after another.
During the phase when symptoms ricocheted through me without any semblance of predictability, anxiety floored me - and many days, I found myself silently weeping while doing dishes or vacuuming, trying not to let the kids see or hear my tears, despairing that I would never recover.
It was as though mundane, market-driven, ‘normal’ patterns were rushing along as usual far above me on the surface of the world while I now inhabited a lonely, mysterious parallel underground realm - one that the dominant culture didn’t even see, let alone acknowledge, understand, or respect.
I will write more about ascent and descent journeys in the future, in hopes of providing some orientation and guidance so that more people feel held, empowered and accompanied as they navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life.
I wanted to name them briefly for the moment to provide context for this piece - (if you’re right smack in the midst of descent, you might appreciate this blog) - but for now, I want to turn to the what unfolds on the other side of descent, when we’re shifting into…
Emergent Seasons:
Emergence is defined as: “the coming into view or becoming exposed after being concealed” and “the process of coming into being or becoming important or predominant.”
The word “emergency” and “emergence” both come from the Latin verb that means, “to rise up or through” - they exist in relationship to coming through difficulty or lifting out of descent.
These definitions and root meanings make perfect sense to me.
In nature, many generative and emergent processes start in contained darkness. Wombs, eggs, seeds, a chrysalis: they all protect interior transformation until new life emerges.
Descent journeys offer us conditions much like a chrysalis, in which old versions of ourselves and our lives literally disintegrate: we encounter difficult opportunities that can help us grow into something entirely new. (No wonder it’s so uncomfortable!)
Often we’re in a rush to get out of descent seasons, we resist or deny them - but it won’t work.
We have to endure descent until the process of emergence carries us in its own time.
If we do try to ‘force’ emergence prematurely, we’ll likely notice that it’s futile, much as the disintegrated caterpillar can’t emerge as a butterfly or the bud can’t unfurl into a bloom until the internal organic processes are fully organized, matured and ready for emergence.
Emergence requires patience and practicing trust in timing that is largely out of our hands.
From my recent experiences, I can observe many such moments of impatience in myself, of yearning to feel in greater control of my life again. I was so eager to get back to the pleasurable and comfortable rhythms of professional work that I tried to do so before I was fully well enough again or even had a working office space in my new home.
Yet, again and again, I got little reminders and nudges and ‘reality checks’ that I had to be patient: it took about a year longer than I hoped to reach the genuine emergence stage of this journey (and that felt really long sometimes during the process!).
I also want to acknowledge privilege here. I had a partner who could keep us economically afloat, and that made a big difference to my life and the choices I could make.
Sometimes survival demands and constraining conditions require us to take actions that don’t at all align with our preferences or needs, like having to generate income as a solo parent or single person while burnt out or ill or setting aside deep creative yearnings in order to take care of a dying beloved.
That said, in the deepest descent seasons, timing and agency are often largely outside our control and we must wait for emergence regardless of socioeconomic status or level of support in our lives.
But once you feel a glimmer of rising up, here are some ideas to support yourself:
Tips for Navigating Emergence
1) Stay Resourced, Go Gently
The first tip I want to offer is to move slowly and nourish yourself.
In emergence, as in descent, I encourage you to seek out supports, practices and resources that inspire you and faith in yourself and your evolving life.
Throughout the past two years, for example, it helped me greatly to access relevant books, podcasts, wisdom teachings and communities - they provided invaluable companionship.
Daily walks in nature also grounded me.
Big changes demand a lot of energy - emotionally, psychically, practically.
On a cognitive, neurological level, as you go through descent and emergence, your brain is literally rewiring a new map of reality. So, you may be surprised by just how tired you are as the neurons reroute and reconfigure in your sweet head. Sleep, sleep and sleep as much as you can.
I found that I kept needing to take goals off my to-do list, aiming to do less and rest more - which is not easy as an A-type personality, nor in a culture that values productivity.
So, consider your energy levels and please do your best to honor them.
You may also want to explore journaling and gratitude practices as ways to resource and come home to yourself amidst transformation. These certainly provided refuge to me in the darkness of descent - and continue to feel stabilizing during emergence.
Stories are a primal way that we understand ourselves and the world. They enable us to connect to one another. Journaling helps me to consciously author my unfolding life and shape the stories I’m living, rather than feel purely a victim to circumstance, a character in a story writing me.
Through fumbling questions and wonderings and noticing, I attempt to decipher on the page what’s ending, what’s gestating, what’s birthing and to feel my way through transformative experiences. Through writing, I bear witness to my own journey, I stay with myself and that matters.
Books and journalling resource me in times of both descent and emergence: what might nourish you?
2) Tentative Beginnings
As you move organically into emergence after a time of descent, you’ll likely find yourself less distraught and preoccupied with what’s been lost and increasingly ready for considering what you want now and dreaming into the future.
I encourage you to let this be a time for noodling on possibilities rather than jumping into action.
If life knocked you off course or out at the knees, there are likely parts of you that got pushed to the side while you focused on immediate demands. Once a crisis is over and these parts sniff out the scent of emergence, sometimes they’re chomping at the bit for renewed engagement and expression.
Almost like, if something was under-nourished for a while, it’s ravenous and may want to gorge to compensate for ‘lost time!”
I had a stage like this in the fall: I was so hungry for regaining my autonomy that I signed up for way too many new professional programs until I realized I had to slow down until I had more capacity.
It helped to tell myself:
“This is time for fertilizing the soil and preparing the garden bed. I’m still composting material from the descent journey, weeding, pruning, orienting. Even though I’m eager, I’m not actually quite ready to plant. Have fun going through the seed catalogue - try and let that ‘be enough’ right now.”
Be cautious about moving out of urgency and pressure: the more profound the descent, the more crucial that you move slowly and not rush decisions.
It takes time to realize who you’re becoming, what matters most now, what fits - there’s a beauty to letting yourself unfurl gently in a process of discovery.
Just like the butterfly emerges from a cocoon and then needs some time to rest and orient before lifting off, we need time to explore, feel and examine what’s changed and what feels true for us now.
One way you might support the energy of beginnings without prematurely rushing into action is to play around with vision boards: you can explore ideas, dream and feel expansively into possibilities without the pressure of decisions and action that you may not be quite ready for.
I created one in February 2021 to encourage myself to dare to dream for the coming year and then again in the spring (below), as my partner and I sought out a new home. I wasn’t actually prepared to do a whole kitchen renovation but visioning fuelled my spirits during an early emergent phase.
Vision boards! Have fun dreaming during emergence without the pressure of immediate action.
3) Tend Emotional Residue with Care
Pay attention for residual grief during emergence.
Sometimes we want or might expect emergence seasons to be all cotton candy and roses, full of relief to be lifting out of the descent and eagerly ushering in the new.
However, emergence seasons are often bittersweet: we’re excited and grateful for new possibilities and we also feel fearful, sad or angry about what has ended or been diminished - perhaps in response to a new level of recognition and acknowledgment of what is lost or gone for good.
Emergence may grace us because we finally let go of the fantasy of a different outcome and surrender to a new narrative for our lives, one we didn’t entirely (or at all) choose.
So, accompanying grief makes perfect sense during emergence.
Clients often show up for coaching ready to stretch into new growth… and can be surprised at the polarities that arise in the process.
Beginnings equate endings, just as endings give rise to beginnings. There’s no way around that paradox and mixed emotions understandably arise in response to this intertwined dance.
For me over the past while, that has meant adjusting to a ‘new normal’ after long-Covid. While I’m grateful the recovery I’ve experienced - and the way that illness catalyzed our wonderful move to a smaller community - I also still occasionally feel grief for my body’s losses and changes.
4) Pay Attention for Trauma
If you notice that you’re having trouble letting yourself dream and hope again - as you might expect or wish during an emergent season - there may be some aspects of your descent journey that were traumatic and need further processing and care.
(It may also be that you’re still in the descent season and simply need more time there).
By trauma, I simply mean that certain experiences overloaded your nervous system and particular emotions or perceptions ‘split off’ to be processed later (in safer, more resourced conditions).
Consider how, if you broke a bone, even after it healed, your body may be afraid to put full weight on it again for some time, instinctively cautious about resuming its full capacity.
I described a descent journey as one in which we tip out of our habitual terrain and tumble under the surface of the earth, falling fully away from our familiar lives and selves.
After such a shocking experience, it makes perfect sense that it can be difficult to dream, hope, and risk again - and that’s what trauma is to the nervous system: an overwhelming shock.
So, please be gentle and kind with your fears and anxieties: while we don’t want them to run the show, it helps to understand that they’re trying to protect us.
It’s also not uncommon that present day circumstances will stir up other unresolved traumas stored in your body, from when you were younger - or even intergenerational trauma that you inherited.
If you relate to this, it’s important that you:
Get scaffolding in a good therapist or trauma-informed coach
Take baby steps in new directions (pacing matters, as ‘too much, too soon’ can evoke overwhelm and activate another trauma response)
Let yourself cry, yell, make noise, shake: release trauma somatically, through the body
If you find yourself able to dare to dream again - but through tears - let that be ok.
I’ve sobbed a lot as I’ve slowly thawed out from a difficult time - and it helps me to think of those tears as softening the seeds of my dreams and watering the gardens of growth ahead.
Because it is brave to dream again after a descent experience. It really is.
Finally, I want to share one last tip: enlisting a buddy who’s invested in your emergence.
5) The Power of a Daily Buddy
My final tip is to encourage you to have a daily buddy in your life. Maybe a partner, a colleague or friend - but someone with whom you can reliably share your goals, wins, setbacks and feelings.
It is so powerful to have a consistent cheerleader and companion, someone who really cares about you and your growth and to whom you offer the same support in return.
I developed this with a dear friend in the midst of my descent: our structure has evolved from brief anchoring text check-ins to lengthy audio clips that we creatively weave into our full days.
I don’t want to be prescriptive about who this could be or how it works in your life: I just know that something profound happens when we have someone in our lives with whom we share intimately and honestly on a daily level.
A coach, therapist or community can be amazingly rich AND, in my books, there’s nothing quite like close friendship and daily connection to fuel support and growth - frankly, through descent, emergence, ascent, through the whole glorious ride of the inevitable ups and downs of life.
If you don’t have one, all I can encourage is: get creative, be brave and seek a daily buddy.
The structure of support might look like one text or a five minute call per day or perhaps it’s more involved - whatever fits for both you and your buddy.
Companionship can be a golden thread that just helps… everything.
Here’s me and my daily buddy, sharing the minutia!
Summary:
It’s natural that we go through both ascent and descent journeys - and also common that we feel destabilized and perhaps isolated through descent experiences (especially in the dominant culture).
Emergence naturally follows descent - especially if we consciously explore and integrate how we’ve changed and who we are becoming.
Support yourself through emergence:
Nourish yourself with rest and inspirational and grounding practices and resources
Make time to dream and vision as you emerge - go slowly and don’t rush into action
Expect (and normalize) residual grief and mixed emotions as you rise up out of descent
Pay attention for significant fear of moving forward: this may signal trauma that needs care
Have a committed daily buddy in your life
Dear one, you made it through.
Sometimes you may feel like you’re toggling back and forth between emergence and descent: that’s common and perfectly ok.
Go gently.
Be proud of letting yourself grow and be changed by life.
Emerge, rise up and savour this (hardwon!) moment of your journey.
If you want to share your responses, questions or anything that’s helped or helping you through emergence, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
P.S. Would you like some support during emergence? Please feel free to set up a free 60-minute consult to explore how coaching could resource you. Emergence can be a particularly special and potent time to nurture new growth - I’d love to hear from you and connect.
P.P.S. Are you still in the depths of a descent journey? Consider my friend Kristen Roderick’s online course, Blessing Our Secret Sorrow. Over six weeks, she guides students through the landscape of endings with profound wisdom, sensitivity and care. If you prefer a 1:1 support during descent, please feel free to reach out to me to explore working together - and another option for you is a special grief resource: Being Here, Being Human.
Nicola Holmes is a Life Coach who helps people turn their potent questions, dreams and longings into inspired action. With warmth and wisdom, she’ll guide you to untangle constraints and cultivate courage to create a more aligned and joyful life. She has a BASc in Human Development, an MEd in Adult Learning and spent two decades working in the non-profit sector. Along with coaching for the past 14 years, she’s mama to two young spirited kids and dedicated to Buddhism. Having experienced long Covid and a move over the past two years, she brings deep empathy to others who are exploring how they’ve changed and who they’re becoming in turbulent times. Check out Nicola @nicolaholmescoach or join the email party for inspiration and resources to fuel the changes you want.