How Coaching Can Help You Navigate Conflict
Conflict is such rich terrain for growth and for expanding our resources of self-trust, self-belief, self-worth and self-acceptance.
Conflict commonly brings up core psychological risks, including judgment, criticism, rejection, and loss.
No matter how 'modern' our times, we are social primates that experience security in attachment and belonging. Conflict often feels threatening to these primal needs and brings up discomfort (even when relational trust and capacities are high).
But as much as we're dependent on belonging for survival, we're also wired for self-actualization. Conflict can thus feel like a tense juggling act of trying to balance our need to be in relationship and to be our authentic selves.
If conflict is an area that feels kryptonite-y for you, perhaps coaching could support you to expand your options - and your comfort - in this domain.
So often, we get stuck in a dominant or ‘default’ conflict style:
accommodating
passive-aggressive
adversarial
avoidant
All of these styles have strengths and drawbacks and can be helpful in various contexts. Yet, we can sometimes be limited or rigid in how we protectively navigate conflict and we may feel reactive rather than in choice.
Challenges with conflict might look and feel like:
Your 'fight' energy helps you defend yourself, but once the heat settles, you feel regret at harm you've caused or ways you've violated your integrity.
You feel intimidated by conflict and struggle to stand up for yourself and your needs: you find yourself frequently accommodating others and their needs.
By chronically avoiding conflict, some frustrating dynamics in your life drag on like Groundhog Day: you avoid uncomfortable conversations - but you also miss out on new possibilities that engaging conflict could yield.
You release anger or hurt with a sarcastic jab or cool silence but also undermine intimacy and opportunities for direct, vulnerable conversations.
Distancing yourself from your emotions OR feeling flooded by them.
And so much more...
What else could be possible for you?
Coaching Can Help You:
become more conflict-accepting
build your capacity to tolerate the accompanying stress and risks
enrich your conflict toolkit
As long as we have relationships, we'll experience conflict.
Conflict is unlikely to ever exactly be fun but, with practice and skill-building, it can become a source of generativity, creativity, and connection.
We can learn to relax our nervous systems and to tap more deeply into humour, compassion, assertion and empathy amidst conflict.
Power, social location and context also matter: you may show up differently in an embroiled conversation with your kid versus walking around on eggshells with your boss, for example.
Conflict is rife with nuance and complexity: it's loaded!
Coaching can help - and this New Yorker cartoon might inspire. ;)
I specialize in guiding people through change and I'm passionate about helping clients build trust - in themselves and life - as they evolve.
Conflict often arises during times of courageous transition and we can become more equipped for it.
I want to help you better understand your relationship with conflict and to feel more resourced in this sensitive terrain.
Coaching can help you:
learn how to feel your emotions, pause and slow down
develop insight about your stress response and conflict style(s)
consider what is and isn't working well for you in conflict patterns
connect dots between how you learned to seek safety as a child and are still drawing on old patterns in the present
identify the risks that most rile you up (so you can take extra good care of yourself during conflict situations that evoke them)
learn how to prepare for compassionate confrontation
gain tools to handle the sting of judgement or the shame of criticism
The toolkit I draw on most deeply when supporting people to navigate conflict in their lives is from the Self-Belief Coaching Academy, where I trained under the mentorship of Sas Petherick.
Conflict may always be a little crunchy, but we can get better at it.. and grow ourselves and our lives in the process.
Wishing you tiny, brave new steps in this domain!
P.S. If you’re curious about how coaching could support you in navigating conflict, please set up a free 60-minute consult with me to explore your options. I’d love to hear from you.
P.P.S. I worked for a decade in the Violence-Against-Women sector and bring deep compassion to those impacted by abuse. However, I want to be clear that the coaching tools and concepts for navigating conflict referenced above are not intended for or suitable to address conflict that escalates to physical or emotional violence. If you think or know that you're experiencing abuse, I encourage you to seek therapeutic or emergency support. If you live in Ontario, I recommend the (free, 24/7) Assaulted Women's Helpline as a resource. XO
Nicola Holmes is a Change Coach who helps people turn their potent questions, dreams and goals into inspired action. With warmth and wisdom, she’ll guide you to untangle constraints and cultivate courage to create a more aligned and joyful life. She has a BASc in Human Development, an MEd in Adult Learning and spent two decades working in the non-profit sector. Along with coaching for 15 years, she’s mama to two spirited kids and devoted to Buddhism. Having recently experienced long-Covid and a move, she brings empathy to others exploring how they’ve changed and who they’re becoming in turbulent times. Check out Nicola @nicolaholmescoach or join the email party for encouragement to fuel the changes you want (including free coaching opportunities!).